Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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