oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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