Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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