I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
