i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
