She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
