Betty ford says i'm here all night
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
