I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
