Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
