My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
