My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
