i need an iv and a liver transplant
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
