I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
