Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
