my vag is so smooth its legendary
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
