I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
