Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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