____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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