Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
