I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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