you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
