three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
