Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
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