theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize
