i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
