Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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