I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
