pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
