Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
