And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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