god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
