So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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