Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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