I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
