im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
