I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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