Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
