Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I wish you could order shots online.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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