Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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