Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
