Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
