It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
