i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
