Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
