the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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