Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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