I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
