The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
