When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
