The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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