In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
