new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
